Originally published in the Grand Rapids Business Journal, August 30, 2004.

Hey! How was your summer? Mine was splendid. Lots of time to play. Got to get to the beach, go for long walks, catch a few movies, visit with friends and family. Sigh. I’ll sure miss it, but I think I did the most I could to enjoy it.

[John Auchter says his summer was splendid, but was it? Former teammates report seeing John playing beach volleyball and serving into the net. “John kicked the sand and muttered expletives under his breath! It sure didn’t look splendid to me!” And those supposed long walks: It’s a well known fact that John often only walked to the end of his patio to pick up the cat, a distance of only a few feet! Is this what he’s trying to sell us as a “long walk”?! Among the movies John claims to have seen was Shrek II but that was when school was still in session and so that was not even summer. Which is it, Mr. Auchter? Spring? Summer? You can't have it both ways! And as for friends and family, poor Mildred Hildebrand of Kutztown, Pennsylvania, a distant cousin on John’s father’s side heard nothing from John all summer. Ms. Hildebrand whiled away her time at the Kutztown Senior Center playing Canasta and drinking sweet iced tea waiting, waiting, waiting, but the visit from John never came. Not even a phone call or a lousy Hallmark card. In fact, for dear Ms. Hildebrand, John now sadly fades from the gossamer webs of her aging mind, “John Auchter? What the $%#@* are you talking about?”

Miss summer? Sure he’ll miss summer! He’ll miss deceiving you with his big fat ol’ summer lies, oh boy oh brother you bet!!!

John Auchter -- bad for you, bad for summer, bad for America. Paid for veterans for convenient truths and personal vendettas.]

So, yes, apparently there's an election this Fall....

This week I ask you consider two comics: The one above that I drew for the Republican National Convention and one I drew back in July for the Democratic National Convention. I conceived them both at the same time, and the idea was to warn the respective political parties what not to do if they had hopes of swaying the few independents out there to their side.

For Democrats, it was important not to get carried away with promising nice things. Because, yes, even though it has been a Republican president and congress that has spent the country into record deficits, it has historically been Democrats who independents see as too loose with the purse strings. And it never helps when Dems get hysterical and blame their misfortune on the far right. Conjures up images of a Hilary Clinton being set up by her husband to cover his back. That's always uncomfortable.

For Republicans, it was important for them not to be Judge Smails. Remember the movie "Caddyshack"? Judge Smails is the uptight and oblivious ninny brilliantly played by Ted Knight who rules a private country club. When I think of what independents might find unappealing about Republicans in general, and President Bush in particular, I think of the one scene where Judge Smails is making a ham-fisted attempt to put Danny, a teenage caddy, on the road to the straight and narrow:

"Danny, I've sentenced boys younger than you to the gas chamber. Didn't want to do it. I felt I owed it to them."

You Caddyshack fans will note that the words in the sixth panel were lifted directly from the movie.

I'll leave it to you to decide how the Dems and GOPs did. I will say this, however: Zell Miller is now officially off my list of thoughtful folks I'd like to invite over for an evening of genial political discourse. Good heavens! The only possible explanation I can think of for such a bitterly personal attack on Senator Kerry is the unrequited love of a certain ketchup heiress.