Originally published in the Grand Rapids Business Journal, February 21, 2005.

There is this lady who often writes to me. She seems nice enough, I suppose. She is concerned about my well-being -- she has told me that. Sometimes she apologizes for bothering me, but other times she is very direct. Her grammar is atrocious and her spelling even worse, which can be off-putting. I mean, if somebody really cares, wouldn't you expect them to run a quick spell-check? But I think the thing that I find most disturbing is her insistence that my breasts need to be larger.

Frankly, I like the size of my breasts just fine. And despite her not-too-subtle hints that I won't find myself an attractive mate without a set of major league yabos, I've been with my sublimely attractive Jane for 24 years now, so there goes that theory. Granted that I'm not getting those admiring glances at the beach that the lady promises, but on the rare occasions when I am at a beach, I'm typically with family and friends, and extended glaring at my pecs just seems, well, creepy.

So if you happen to read this on my website, augmentation lady, please accept my regrets -- I'm not really interested despite the pennies-a-day and the easy-to-apply, non-offensive-smell, topical ointment. (Is this how Barry Bonds got started?) And if you could, would you let cheap pharmaceutical guy, Christian mortgage lady, South African death-in-the-family dude, and that nasty hardcore el-disgusto omni-sexual hermaphrodite that I'm not interested in their stuff either? That'd be great.

And while you're at it, augmentation lady, could you do me another favor? I mean, with the amount of my time you've wasted over the years you sorta owe me. Could you tell the White House I don't want to be sold on their stupid plan to save Social Security? I've seen it. I've read it. It's got some points to talk about, but they need to stop wasting money on the marketing campaign. Geez Louise, the Bush administration is to fiscal restraint what Enron was to corporate responsibili... Wait! I'm seeing a connection here!

Oh! And tell Howard Dean to be quiet until he can come up with three good ideas that might actually work. In practice. In America. The red states, too. Yes, he might think that it was Lincoln's Republican plot to keep the South in the Union just to aggravate him, but he has just got to start dealing with it.

I certainly appreciate it, augmentation lady! Don't bother writing me back. One less piece of spam in my inbox every day is the only way to show me you really care.